A Sporting Proposition

Prior to recent U.S. involvement in Afghanistan, an undercover reporter went
about the country interviewing members of the Taliban. At one large stadium
built with money from the international community, a Taliban leader was
asked his thoughts. Interviewer: “Since this stadium was constructed by foreign
donors for the purpose of hosting sporting events, do you feel you are
abusing the intention of the donors?” The Taliban were then using the
complex as a mass execution ground. Confidently the official replied, “Not at all.
If the foreigners wished to donate money for an execution facility, we would
gladly use the sports stadium for sport.”

Now it is a new day in Afghanistan. With an internationally recognized
government come the strange perks of not being a pariah among nations. The
International Olympic Committee, that standard bearer of transnational
cooperation and corruption, insists on Afghan participation in the 2004
Summer Olympics.

This is a puzzling offer for a country whose national sport is tribal
warfare. Afghanistan has not produced many other internationally recognized
sporting pastimes, but the game that immediately comes to mind is polo, as
imported by the Great Khan. Mongol ponies being only the height of a St.
Bernard, the game was then not as challenging as now. To liven up the
contest Genghis Khan played not with the modern and effete white ball – useless in
snow – but with the skulls of his enemies.

Another possibility for Afghans is the “goat game.” This distant relative
of prison rioting on horseback pitches two cavalries against one another on
a field approximately the size of Delaware. The object of the game is to carry
a dead goat to the opposition’s end of the field and drop it. To add a bit
of a challenge, the goat is killed, gutted and filled with rocks, to the weight
of about one hundred pounds. In homage to modernity, a goat carcass is used,
in lieu of the original human corpse.

Were the goat game set as a demonstration event in 2004, Afghans could
probably muster a team. If well received, like beach volleyball, the goat
game could be incorporated into the roster of Olympic sports with all the
requisite analytical seriousness of commentary and beer company sponsorship.
Afghanistan will then have found its niche in the international sporting
community and domestic stadiums could be returned to more practical
purposes.

James Clark
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(c) 2001 Millennium Relief & Development Services, vol. 1 no. 14
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